Collecting Happy Pieces Together

They say that when a door closes there is always an open window. Well, that was actually the case for me. Took some time to get myself together after getting over a heartbreaking relationship. Focused on finding me again, excited to see her. after losing 30+ lbs and mentally ready to move forward,  guess what happens next, I get talked into finding the love of my life. Some great women tell me I deserve to be happier and reach out to for my happy beginning. After a couple of months of the back and forth debating, I took the plunge. 7 months later Overjoyed with my decision. Who would have thought that he was missing me just as much. Things fell into place, fit like Ying and Yang. The interesting part was that I put myself first, didn't worry about my kids, family, friends thoughts, just did ME. New beginnings have been the best thing for both of us. We were brought back to life.

Did the transition go well with my kids, not at first, but I wasn't sorry this time. They had to adjust and found out from friends and all the family, he's a really wonderful guy. As I watched my three teenagers look at me questioning about him. I told them, you do not have to like him nor spend time with him. We are together for each other, he's not your father, not your friend, unless you want to be friends. Then my youngest, stood up and said "Mom, you deserve to be happy and if hes really this great guy I will try to get to know him". They asked one more person about him, my best friend. The person that has been a huge part of my life and trust to no end. My best friend told them this guy is the perfect gentleman for your mom. He's been in love with your mom since she was 18 yrs old. You three are soon going away for college, let your mom enjoy her happiness before you suck her dry for your tution. Since then, the kids really have noticed a change in me. I'm no longer crying all the time, smile more and looking for the better in everything.

Do I have my everyday struggles like everyone else? Yes, of course! The only difference is I no longer feel the pounds of stress on my shoulders. Things are finally looking up. No more secrets, no restrictions on the relationship. What took me so long to let go?

Special Person

I've met someone yesterday that was part of a huge impact on me as a child growing up. Although, I could not express this this to them nor my family, I had found myself in the brink of crying for joy. You see, I did not have a typical childhood, nothing in the early stages of my life could be any far from normal. It would take a series of books to explain my insane childhood.

This person, doesn't know that for briefs moments of my life, that I was safe. Safe from the chaos surrounding me. They kept me from becoming insane. This role they played, assisted me to see that good can conquer evil. It just takes time and the will to fight to live each day to get your original happy ending. It was therapeutic for me. 

My kids, kept looking at me crazy cause I couldn't stop talking about this person. They could not even image the darkness I've been living in for a very long time. That's what any parent wants, to make sure their kids are safe.  Although my friend had an idea of what I could be feeling, even he had no clue but hugged me in comfort anyway. 

This special person will never know the joy he has brought me. I'm not even sure where to scratch the surface with this. I thank the people who make an impact on others and have no idea how much they do. Such as teachers, writers, film directors, artists, your next door neighbor, etc. 

Keep doing what you do best and help others face their worse fears each day.  You are making a difference. 

New Beginnings

New beginnings can go either way, a lesson learned or suck big time. As for me this time around, its a breathe of fresh air. I'm no longer stuck in the darkness. Felt like I may never come out of it. I have learned plenty of lessons these past 10 years. Know what I no longer want or need in my life. Feel tied down and unable to explore as much as I like. I'm a curious person, need to touch, taste, examine. Remember exactly who I was before the chaos walked into my life. Self reflecting, seeing the parts of me I hate, love, and need to improve on. From there I will be able to move on and continue to grow. 

Grateful, I can still love as I mend my shredded heart. Grateful, I'm not bitter. Maybe a little jaded but that was before the 10 years. Life has always been difficult for me, changing that little by little. Staying away from everyone that doesn't deserve my time. Able to see my past and be happy of the person it made me to be. Working on thinking positive again, see the silver lining, Almost lost myself completely, scary. Remembering things I always liked to do such as dancing, going to my poetry readings, reading in a cafe, less t.v., really enjoy my oldies with glass of vino, walking around downtown just for the fun of it. Little things I have forgotten about myself. Never will I again let this happen, stopping giving too much away. Opening a new book, forget the chapter.

Working on myself to enjoy life and stop to smell the roses. 

New beginnings, can suck, but not this time around, I'm enjoying finding the magic in me again.

Kissing my past Goodbye!!

Those Dusties Remind Me......

Listening to my dusties, drinking some vino and enjoying the quiet. This music helps me find some peace within myself. Away from the chaos and noise of the outside world.

These dusties remind me of better days. Days were I could envision a different future. The great times that are behind me. When times were not as fucked up.

Problems go away for a little while. The wine will later help sleep well. Dream of the dreams /wishes I had lost a long time ago. Hide away from everything to face another day.

Those dusties help me embrace the good I do have at this time. I have loved ones, some I don't even deserve. As depressing as some of these songs are, they are not sad to me. They are reminders how grateful I am with everything I have so far in life. Not in the middle of these songs lyrics, just the opposite.

These dusties help put me in a better mood. They are my party playlist. They make me smile as I sing along, drink my vino and dance the night away.

So as sad as I can get...just need to listen to those good ole dusties to remind me of better times.

Lost within myself

So much on my mind and cannot word it correctly. Want to say so much but there are always consequences. How did I become so lost within myself? No longer the charming, fun, outgoing person I used to be. Now just in the background to enjoy everyone else. Do I want all the spot light again? Maybe not, just want to be able to do what I want to feel alive again. What is missing? Couldn't even tell you right now. 

Lost, lost within myself. 

Part of me just wants to start fresh somewhere else. Life doesn't work that way. Family, old loved one ALWAYS find their way back into your life somehow. So I have to wait until the right time to move away from everyone.....time is not a good friend

So much I want to say but someone feelings will somehow get hurt; Mine, loved ones, family. There is no way out. Feeling trapped in this situation and do not know how to get myself out. Lost, lost within myself

Mind loves to play tricks on me. Looking at myself from the outside and dislike what I see. Someone lost, boring, trapped in her thoughts. Cannot see a way out. Suffocating is how I feel daily. No one to help me, no one really understands ME. They have no idea what goes through my head. My demons are winning and I am letting them.

 Lost, lost within myself

Run, run away and don't look back. Coward, that is what I am. To actually do something about the torture I am experiencing. No one can see me. No one will ever see me. Some think they know me and I let them believe it. Better than showing my true demons and dark corners of my twisted mind. Lost, lost within myself

One day hope to find the silver lining again. It has been gone for such a long time. The darkness has slipped in and stayed, like a blanket to suffocate you slowly. Wanting to keep me in my twisted thoughts. A shell of a person that use to be looking for life in the next adventure. Cannot find my way. Lost, lost within myself. 

Will I ever find my way out again??

We have come a very long way to get where we are now. Is everything perfect...never but at least we can try to be on the same page. Today is his birthday and I hope he is somewhat happy with how the day has gone. My youngest made him a gift and as for his kids, wont find out until later if they remembered his birthday. 

As for US; More involved, and in my business on what I am doing. Guess that is a thing.

I am not complaining, kind of cute sometimes. 

Has our relationship changed? Yes, dramatically but we are making the most of it now.

Both know it will never be the same, and have to realize its time to evolve.

Trips and more alone time together makes the feel between us vary. We can be so in sync and then all of a sudden oceans away. Its the healing process, that's the way it goes, I guess.  

Time will tell and as long as we keep working together things will work out for the both of us.

 

Where have all the fairy tales gone?

Every woman's dream is to have the love of her life get down on one knee and ask that question "Will you make me the luckiest guy in the world and marry me?" Not every woman always has the fairy tale proposal or relationship... You just look at the guy you love and think... "why cant you just read my mind and know that every woman wants to be swept off her feet?,dummy" So we woman settle for who he is cause lets face it women, we are not perfect neither.

Yes, that is a hard pill to swallow isn't it? You just hope that what you have will actually last and he really means what he says. 

There are several reasons why men get married;
The one every woman kinda hopes for... 
He is all crazy in love with you, some call it blind love.

He has been with you for so long that he feels he has to give in 
example "College Sweethearts"

Then there are the ones that fake it, cause shes a good girl and she's paid her dues, doesn't know I'm keeping a mistress around anyway

You get knocked up and he feels trap and has to be stuck with you
The last one is he has run out of excuses and you force him to marry you

Am I being bitter or negative? No, just realistic.

Fairy tales... how I wish I could believe in them again.
There once was a time for only a minute. I did believe in flying on cloud nine, dancing on sunshine cause he made me so happy, then reality slapped me, HARD. 
Found out he screwed me over and didn't know how to love, cause he cannot love himself. 

Then somehow, one day my life changed and now I'm engaged.
Great thing is I found out I was still able to love, bad thing is I no longer believe in fairy tales, that was taken away from me a while ago. Ladies, I think the reason is because men do not want use to believe in them. Sets the bar pretty high, 
don't you think? Too much work for them. Meaning in the end, not worth all the work.

Not really sure what my point is to all of this....
Guess just trying to figure myself out again. What lead me to this path?
Do we settle for no fairy tale or just take life as it is??

"All Cried Out"

"All Cried Out"
(duet with 112)

[Allure]
All alone on a Sunday morning
Outside I see the rain is falling, whoa oh..
Inside I'm slowly dying
But the rain will hide my crying, crying, crying
And you
Don't you know my tears will burn the pillow
Set this place on fire
'Cause I'm tired of your lies
All I needed was a simple "Hello"
But the traffic was so noisy that you could not hear me cry

(I) I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure,
My heart never knew such pain
And you, you leave me so confused...
Now I'm all cried out, over you

[112]
Oooo
I'm over you, oh yeah you
Never wanted to see things your way
Had to go astray
Oh why was I such a fool, baby (Why was I such a fool)
Oh yeah
Now I see that the grass is greener
Is it too late for me to find my way home,
How could I be so wrong?

[Allure]
Leaving me all alone
Don't you know my tears will cause an inferno
(tears will cause an inferno baby)
Romance often fades
Why should I take the blame?
You were the one who left me neglected (I'm so sorry baby)
Apology not accepted
Add me to the broken hearts you've collected

(I) I gave you all of me
How was I to know
You were awaken so easily
(I) I don't know what to do
Now I'm all cried out (all cried out) over you
(I) I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure
My heart never knew such pain
You (left me so confused)
Now I'm all cried out (All cried out)
Now I'm all cried out
Over you

[112]
Please forgive me baby, oh
Please forgive

Emotionally Drained

Emotionally involved with you is driving me mad. One minute you have me craving your touch, the next doubting myself and feelings.

Trust is at the very minimum, knowing you still have secrets. Secrets will kill what's left of us. You play a part so well I no longer seem to want to care. Play the rules your way and see where it goes. You wouldn't be able to handle the truth.
Which will destroy us both.

Tired of lies!
Tired of leaving me in the dark. Tired of being a fool for a love that doesn't respect me any longer.

Emotional, you have me so emotionally drained. Please stop.

Lies

Lies. This whole time, had me second guessing my mind. Ways you have damaged me left me empty. You don't care, how could you? She left you damaged and I pay the price for it. Letting you tear me apart little each day, leaving me alone in with my cries and sorrow. Taken each hit and suffered alone as you go back to her for pleasure. A joke to you. You say you care and love me HA! Do you even know what love is anymore? My love isn't enough for you. No ones love will be enough.

Lies. That's all you know, are lies. Make everyone feel guilty for not giving enough attention cause it has to be spread for loved ones. So selfish. Quick to throw your loved ones in my face when you're really running back to her.

Lies. Thought I was special, what a joke. You tell her the same things you've told me. She's stolen our trips we've planned. Tainted everything I thought was just ours. You let it all happen.

Lies. So many lies. You want to rebuild.
Rebuild from what? From When? I don't know a single truth from your mouth.
I'm the only one who hasn't given up on you and this is how you repay me? Damaged, become more damaged with each passing day.

Lies, lies to myself. To think there is something good in you. A lost man needs a helping hand find his way. Karma that is hitting and leaving its mark from past mistakes. Deserves this punishment. Nothing else to explain. Knew it would happen one day. Feel the pain of all the hurt placed on others.

Tired. So tired of all the lies.
Please tell some truth.

Lost to Social Media

So tried staying off the social media and it has been difficult. Facebook is where everyone is communicating to each other. I have missed a few events because I have not looked into my account.

So might just go back to it....Messed up huh? 

Couldn't even do it for a full two weeks. 10 days!!  That is how long it lasted.

Even my boyfriend told me "we are going back to old skool way of communicating?" 

LOL it does make a huge difference. 

Oh well, back to the drawing board.Can't beat them, join them. 

Social Media is just the way of life.

Goodbye Social Media

Relationships are hard work but it worth it if you find the right person.  We are engaged and the work is totally worth it. 

I'm in love with this great guy.  He's funny and makes sure to hear me laugh at least once every time we talk, especially if I'm down or grumpy.  We have been through our big ups and downs for almost 8 years now and still worrying out some kinks.

One of our biggest issues is that we are opposites.  I'm a social butterfly and he's a homebody.  He wants me all to himself and I confess, it's nice at times but like a bird,  needs a little freedom.

So I've decided to try an experiment to stay off Facebook and Instagram for a month. This also includes cutting back on gossiping. Going to be very tough for me since I live on them. He doesn't know about this and want to see if it will have new focus, more on the US in this relationship.

Will try to keep it a secret from him as long as I can.  I'm terrible at keeping secrets. Good thing I have no followers on my blog lol. Well tryto keep track on my progress every few days.  Hoping for the best.

Your Darkness

Sometimes you get so sad. So sad that you completely shut down. You stare at the wall blankly it doesn't matter what I say to you. Because in that moment you don't exist. There's an intense and invisible grief, sadness like a sound of someone crying in a dark room. Wondering if you will ever find your peace within your mind. It is a curse that wants to get broken to make you feel whole..... I'm waiting, waiting patiently for you to come back home to me.

Exposed

How can I open up and be completely exposed?

Be that open book for you to explore

Scared to be vulnerable, never been this close to anyone to see the really full me

So messed up in the head, don't want anyone to see the demons I fight every day

My past has done so much damaged not sure if healing well help

The mistakes of my mother run through these veins, cannot escape her

Exactly like her and have the same mistakes

Living in a deranged world, nothing is simple or normal

Sick and twisted thoughts are a constant reminder of this

My sins, my sins dancing in front of me every day

Hide through laughter behind this mask

You cannot see the pain, tears and torture hidden

I'm a horrible person inside and out

Playing as a puppet in this everyday world

How can I even begun to describe to you my pain?

There's no way you could comprehend my mind, my thoughts, my words

There is too much damage to repair

Evil Friends Portugal. The Man

"Evil Friends"

Your mama's got nothing on me
Your daddy's got nothing on me
And the world that sleeps in it's lunacy
Its got nothing on me

No stars got nothing on me
Your sun's got nothing on me
And the fool who sees its the thief that needs
Has got nothing on me

You know its not because the light here gets brighter
And its not that I'm evil
I got a friend in the devil

But I can't even be your friend
I can't even be your friend
I can't even be your friend

I can get so wound up
But I feel alright
And if I get some rest
Yeah that'd be nice
When I shouldn't do it, I still do it
What you think's got nothing to do with this
Before you were born, I was already sinning

Yeah, yeah yeah
When I get too worked up
Well I work it out
And if I get too down,
I just shout it out
I bet I have it all, but the rest will do
And it's nothing against all I do with you

Before you were born, I was already sinning

Its not because the light here is brighter
And its not that I'm evil, I just don't like to pretend
That I could ever be your friend

If you don't listen so good
I can hum it out
Na na na na na na na na
I know I shouldn't do it
I just do it
And what ya think's got nothing to do with it
Before you were born, I was already sinning

Its not because the light here is brighter
And its not that I'm evil
I just don't like to pretend
That I could ever be your friend
I could never be your friend
I never needed a friend
I don't wanna be friends

You'll never find a friend like me

End of the Rope

End of the rope, Hope; it's giving up on what was meant to be. Why make this wait any longer if you cannot decide what's worth it? Let it flow out of your mouth what has been lingering for quite some time now. Thoughts of happiness are fading away or was it all an illiuison?

Time is no longer a friend as it laughs at all the wasted time. Such a mess, a deep pool of sorrow, sadness for this failure. Why keep the charades if there is no possibility for happiness?

Lies just to keep everyone close because too afraid to move forward alone. What has this soul become to think it cannot stand on its own?

Fooling oneself there are such things as love, happiness or trusts in others. Nothing but a fool, that's what it is. The end of the rope is nearly here...

Santigold - L.E.S Artistes

"L.E.S Artistes"

What I'm searching for
To tell it straight, I'm trying to build a wall
Walking by myself
Down avenues that reek of time to kill

If you see me, keep going
Be a pass-by waver
Build me up, bring me down
Just leave me out, you name-dropper
Stop trying to catch my eye
I see you good, you forced faker
Just make it easy
You're my enemy, you fast-talker

I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe
I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

What am I here for?
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you, I don't need no one else

Fit in so good the hope is
That you cannot see me later
You don't know me
I am an introvert, an excavator
I'm duckin' out for now
A face in dodgy elevators
Creep up and suddenly
I found myself an innovator

I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe
I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

Change, change, change, change
I want to get up out of my skin
Tell you what, if I can shake it
I'm-a make this, something worth dreaming of

I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe
I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe
I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe
I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe
I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

When I say I miss you...

When I miss you…. It feels like the whole world just clasped. All the stars in the sky fell, the grey clouds took over. When I say I miss you, I don’t say it out of habit; when I say these words, I mean it. You give me this feeling; like how the wolf cries to the moon. It’s like a completion of the universe, an understanding love between the sun and the sky, how the wind whispers stories. When I say I miss you, it’s like the stars need the darkness to shine. How the world needs the sun. Every dark sky needs the moon to feel whole. A part of you completes me; makes life a little easier... The Stars shine a little brighter. When I say I miss you... I mean it... I miss every part of you.. Waiting for you to look right back at me with that smile I love on your face. Looking forward to start my day with you; when I say I miss you it means I love you more each and every day.

Baby Steps

Been dreaming about my past, he still haunts me. My punishment? Doesn’t help that I see his face more often than I would like. Maybe I’m looking at it wrong? Maybe his reminder is so I don’t fall back into that person I was before. Things are better for me and our paths were never meant to continue into the future.  Must look on the positive side of this haunting.

Just like my past, cannot move forward cause it pulls me back in. How can I keep it locked away for good? Maybe once I am able to finally escape these chains I could let go of everything?

Things are the same with my current situation. Not much has changed except what he says about his family, not sure if it’s real or fantasy.  Hard time taking his word for it now, just waiting patiently to see if what he says comes true.  Doubt is what’s going to kill us; there is so much of it between the both of us.

Promised to share one secret every conversation we have, need to try to build this trust. Only way I know how to let him completely in.  Little steps into my world, not easy, fighting it every step I take.

Hurt is all I know, hoping this risk is worth it.

I feel like I have already hit rock bottom; Things will get better, they have to right?