Blue

Hey there, was unable to really say what was on my mind earlier. To tell the truth I was relieved when I found out the news. However, there was a small part that was also disappointed. Never gave it thought until that moment. As much as I was terrified; to have a piece of the one thing I cant have would have been enough. Scary huh? Luckily, I am not looking for that type of drama. I think the reason he came into my life was to show me I am able to love and appreciate someone. " My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return" (Maya Angelou). Thankfully for Marc and him, I understand the difference. There is no doubt about the things I say and do are for this person, I love him with ALL of my heart. As for what he feels, I just hope its the same from him. Future together or not.

You would think I would have learned about love the first time. Why do I have to learn the hard way EVERY TIME? Falling in love with a married man is always a stupid decision. I ALREADY know this! Please stop and think before you critize me. Everyone has done at least something they are not proud of if you haven't, then you have either take the safe road or God knows why you have not Lived a little. I am the cliche, fall in love with a married man and get hurt.  "Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time." (Maya Angelou) 

Well this relationship has lasted for almost 4years now. Feelings are there for me.(Isn't that always the case?) He tells me he loves me, has kept every promise but wont leave her. Says hes staying until his 10yr old turns 18. Do people still stay because of the kids? More than half the time the answer is "No". Which means the obvious, hes not in love with me. Most women would tell me "Then why stay?" That is a really good question, Maybe because, it is already comfortable and its better than being lonely. So for now I will be miserable every time he leaves, until I actually end it. When will this happen? Very soon. Will I hurt? Yes I will.

I believe this is my karma for treating men like meat. Yes I was a man eater. So now that I want something real, I will have to through hell and back to actually find that person to grow old with. Is that too much to ask? Dating is not fun and very time consuming.  No one meets someone on the street anymore. You have all these dating sites giving you so many options. Its too much work and a distraction speaking with someone while having a cup of coffee, yet thinking who is leaving you messages on your profile. Half of the people I speak to tell me you cant look for love it will find you. While the other half tell me I have to go and find love, it doesn't come to you. So for now, maybe that is a sign to take some time off from the dating world for a little while?

This blog is my stepping stone for change. Hope it helps.