Lies

Lies. This whole time, had me second guessing my mind. Ways you have damaged me left me empty. You don't care, how could you? She left you damaged and I pay the price for it. Letting you tear me apart little each day, leaving me alone in with my cries and sorrow. Taken each hit and suffered alone as you go back to her for pleasure. A joke to you. You say you care and love me HA! Do you even know what love is anymore? My love isn't enough for you. No ones love will be enough.

Lies. That's all you know, are lies. Make everyone feel guilty for not giving enough attention cause it has to be spread for loved ones. So selfish. Quick to throw your loved ones in my face when you're really running back to her.

Lies. Thought I was special, what a joke. You tell her the same things you've told me. She's stolen our trips we've planned. Tainted everything I thought was just ours. You let it all happen.

Lies. So many lies. You want to rebuild.
Rebuild from what? From When? I don't know a single truth from your mouth.
I'm the only one who hasn't given up on you and this is how you repay me? Damaged, become more damaged with each passing day.

Lies, lies to myself. To think there is something good in you. A lost man needs a helping hand find his way. Karma that is hitting and leaving its mark from past mistakes. Deserves this punishment. Nothing else to explain. Knew it would happen one day. Feel the pain of all the hurt placed on others.

Tired. So tired of all the lies.
Please tell some truth.

Lost to Social Media

So tried staying off the social media and it has been difficult. Facebook is where everyone is communicating to each other. I have missed a few events because I have not looked into my account.

So might just go back to it....Messed up huh? 

Couldn't even do it for a full two weeks. 10 days!!  That is how long it lasted.

Even my boyfriend told me "we are going back to old skool way of communicating?" 

LOL it does make a huge difference. 

Oh well, back to the drawing board.Can't beat them, join them. 

Social Media is just the way of life.

Goodbye Social Media

Relationships are hard work but it worth it if you find the right person.  We are engaged and the work is totally worth it. 

I'm in love with this great guy.  He's funny and makes sure to hear me laugh at least once every time we talk, especially if I'm down or grumpy.  We have been through our big ups and downs for almost 8 years now and still worrying out some kinks.

One of our biggest issues is that we are opposites.  I'm a social butterfly and he's a homebody.  He wants me all to himself and I confess, it's nice at times but like a bird,  needs a little freedom.

So I've decided to try an experiment to stay off Facebook and Instagram for a month. This also includes cutting back on gossiping. Going to be very tough for me since I live on them. He doesn't know about this and want to see if it will have new focus, more on the US in this relationship.

Will try to keep it a secret from him as long as I can.  I'm terrible at keeping secrets. Good thing I have no followers on my blog lol. Well tryto keep track on my progress every few days.  Hoping for the best.

Your Darkness

Sometimes you get so sad. So sad that you completely shut down. You stare at the wall blankly it doesn't matter what I say to you. Because in that moment you don't exist. There's an intense and invisible grief, sadness like a sound of someone crying in a dark room. Wondering if you will ever find your peace within your mind. It is a curse that wants to get broken to make you feel whole..... I'm waiting, waiting patiently for you to come back home to me.

Exposed

How can I open up and be completely exposed?

Be that open book for you to explore

Scared to be vulnerable, never been this close to anyone to see the really full me

So messed up in the head, don't want anyone to see the demons I fight every day

My past has done so much damaged not sure if healing well help

The mistakes of my mother run through these veins, cannot escape her

Exactly like her and have the same mistakes

Living in a deranged world, nothing is simple or normal

Sick and twisted thoughts are a constant reminder of this

My sins, my sins dancing in front of me every day

Hide through laughter behind this mask

You cannot see the pain, tears and torture hidden

I'm a horrible person inside and out

Playing as a puppet in this everyday world

How can I even begun to describe to you my pain?

There's no way you could comprehend my mind, my thoughts, my words

There is too much damage to repair

Evil Friends Portugal. The Man

"Evil Friends"

Your mama's got nothing on me
Your daddy's got nothing on me
And the world that sleeps in it's lunacy
Its got nothing on me

No stars got nothing on me
Your sun's got nothing on me
And the fool who sees its the thief that needs
Has got nothing on me

You know its not because the light here gets brighter
And its not that I'm evil
I got a friend in the devil

But I can't even be your friend
I can't even be your friend
I can't even be your friend

I can get so wound up
But I feel alright
And if I get some rest
Yeah that'd be nice
When I shouldn't do it, I still do it
What you think's got nothing to do with this
Before you were born, I was already sinning

Yeah, yeah yeah
When I get too worked up
Well I work it out
And if I get too down,
I just shout it out
I bet I have it all, but the rest will do
And it's nothing against all I do with you

Before you were born, I was already sinning

Its not because the light here is brighter
And its not that I'm evil, I just don't like to pretend
That I could ever be your friend

If you don't listen so good
I can hum it out
Na na na na na na na na
I know I shouldn't do it
I just do it
And what ya think's got nothing to do with it
Before you were born, I was already sinning

Its not because the light here is brighter
And its not that I'm evil
I just don't like to pretend
That I could ever be your friend
I could never be your friend
I never needed a friend
I don't wanna be friends

You'll never find a friend like me

End of the Rope

End of the rope, Hope; it's giving up on what was meant to be. Why make this wait any longer if you cannot decide what's worth it? Let it flow out of your mouth what has been lingering for quite some time now. Thoughts of happiness are fading away or was it all an illiuison?

Time is no longer a friend as it laughs at all the wasted time. Such a mess, a deep pool of sorrow, sadness for this failure. Why keep the charades if there is no possibility for happiness?

Lies just to keep everyone close because too afraid to move forward alone. What has this soul become to think it cannot stand on its own?

Fooling oneself there are such things as love, happiness or trusts in others. Nothing but a fool, that's what it is. The end of the rope is nearly here...

Santigold - L.E.S Artistes

"L.E.S Artistes"

What I'm searching for
To tell it straight, I'm trying to build a wall
Walking by myself
Down avenues that reek of time to kill

If you see me, keep going
Be a pass-by waver
Build me up, bring me down
Just leave me out, you name-dropper
Stop trying to catch my eye
I see you good, you forced faker
Just make it easy
You're my enemy, you fast-talker

I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe
I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

What am I here for?
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you, I don't need no one else

Fit in so good the hope is
That you cannot see me later
You don't know me
I am an introvert, an excavator
I'm duckin' out for now
A face in dodgy elevators
Creep up and suddenly
I found myself an innovator

I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe
I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

Change, change, change, change
I want to get up out of my skin
Tell you what, if I can shake it
I'm-a make this, something worth dreaming of

I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe
I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe
I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe
I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe
I can say I'll hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

When I say I miss you...

When I miss you…. It feels like the whole world just clasped. All the stars in the sky fell, the grey clouds took over. When I say I miss you, I don’t say it out of habit; when I say these words, I mean it. You give me this feeling; like how the wolf cries to the moon. It’s like a completion of the universe, an understanding love between the sun and the sky, how the wind whispers stories. When I say I miss you, it’s like the stars need the darkness to shine. How the world needs the sun. Every dark sky needs the moon to feel whole. A part of you completes me; makes life a little easier... The Stars shine a little brighter. When I say I miss you... I mean it... I miss every part of you.. Waiting for you to look right back at me with that smile I love on your face. Looking forward to start my day with you; when I say I miss you it means I love you more each and every day.

Baby Steps

Been dreaming about my past, he still haunts me. My punishment? Doesn’t help that I see his face more often than I would like. Maybe I’m looking at it wrong? Maybe his reminder is so I don’t fall back into that person I was before. Things are better for me and our paths were never meant to continue into the future.  Must look on the positive side of this haunting.

Just like my past, cannot move forward cause it pulls me back in. How can I keep it locked away for good? Maybe once I am able to finally escape these chains I could let go of everything?

Things are the same with my current situation. Not much has changed except what he says about his family, not sure if it’s real or fantasy.  Hard time taking his word for it now, just waiting patiently to see if what he says comes true.  Doubt is what’s going to kill us; there is so much of it between the both of us.

Promised to share one secret every conversation we have, need to try to build this trust. Only way I know how to let him completely in.  Little steps into my world, not easy, fighting it every step I take.

Hurt is all I know, hoping this risk is worth it.

I feel like I have already hit rock bottom; Things will get better, they have to right?

Broken

How can I open up and be completely exposed? Be that open book for you to explore. Scared to be vulnerable, never been this close to anyone to see the really full me. So messed up in the head, don't want anyone to see the demons I fight every day. My past has done so much damaged not sure if healing will help.

The mistakes of my mother run through these veins, cannot escape her. Exactly like her and have the same mistakes. Living in a deranged world, nothing is simple or normal, Sick and twisted thoughts are a constant reminder of this.

My sins, my sins dancing in front of me everyday. Hide through laughter behind this mask. You cannot see the pain, tears and torture hidden. I'm a horrible person inside and out. Playing as a puppet in this everyday world.

How can I even begun to describe to you my pain? There's no way you could comprehend my mind, my thoughts, my words.

There is too much unrepairable damage.
I'm broken.

Peace?

Finding peace within me has always been difficult. I am too scared to face my demons so I could move forward with my kids and life. Now that my mother is gone, I feel I could really let go and not worry about that past life any longer. My family is trying to keep me within their reach, but it is too late.

I need this next chapter positive and from all the damage from my past far away from my kids. I am missing all the great moments as they all get older, need to focus on the positive. How that is so hard to do.  The friends I call family have been there to pull me out of the dumps when I feel I am falling in too deep. My boyfriend trying to reach out to help me through all these tribulations.  Peace is something I crave and so afraid of….Why?  What could be so scary about peace and happiness? Do I not deserve it? 

When will I know these answers?