3.30.2015

Baby Steps






Been dreaming about my past, he still haunts me. My punishment? Doesn’t help that I see his face more often than I would like. Maybe I’m looking at it wrong? Maybe his reminder is so I don’t fall back into that person I was before. Things are better for me and our paths were never meant to continue into the future.  Must look on the positive side of this haunting.

Just like my past, cannot move forward cause it pulls me back in. How can I keep it locked away for good? Maybe once I am able to finally escape these chains I could let go of everything?

Things are the same with my current situation. Not much has changed except what he says about his family, not sure if it’s real or fantasy.  Hard time taking his word for it now, just waiting patiently to see if what he says comes true.  Doubt is what’s going to kill us; there is so much of it between the both of us.

Promised to share one secret every conversation we have, need to try to build this trust. Only way I know how to let him completely in.  Little steps into my world, not easy, fighting it every step I take.
Hurt is all I know, hoping this risk is worth it.

I feel like I have already hit rock bottom; Things will get better, they have to right?


3.24.2015

Broken

How can I open up and be completely exposed? Be that open book for you to explore. Scared to be vulnerable, never been this close to anyone to see the really full me. So messed up in the head, don't want anyone to see the demons I fight every day. My past has done so much damaged not sure if healing will help.

The mistakes of my mother run through these veins, cannot escape her. Exactly like her and have the same mistakes. Living in a deranged world, nothing is simple or normal, Sick and twisted thoughts are a constant reminder of this.

My sins, my sins dancing in front of me everyday. Hide through laughter behind this mask. You cannot see the pain, tears and torture hidden. I'm a horrible person inside and out. Playing as a puppet in this everyday world.

How can I even begun to describe to you my pain? There's no way you could comprehend my mind, my thoughts, my words.

There is too much unrepairable damage.
I'm broken.

Peace?






Finding peace within me has always been difficult. I am too scared to face my demons so I could move forward with my kids and life. Now that my mother is gone, I feel I could really let go and not worry about that past life any longer. My family is trying to keep me within their reach, but it is too late.

I need this next chapter positive and from all the damage from my past far away from my kids. I am missing all the great moments as they all get older, need to focus on the positive. How that is so hard to do.  The friends I call family have been there to pull me out of the dumps when I feel I am falling in too deep. My boyfriend trying to reach out to help me through all these tribulations.  Peace is something I crave and so afraid of….Why?  What could be so scary about peace and happiness? Do I not deserve it? 

When will I know these answers? 

 

3.12.2015

Shell



Shell
Deep black void, oozing with the stench of rot and decay
Scars and flesh severed, infection spreading, suffocating laying in the cold
Disoriented and exposed to the world to shred apart

Screaming loudly, no one can hear the torture tearing deeper and deeper into the flesh
Unable to block out all the convictions and ridicule
Words as weapons piercing through me
Powerless, losing the fight

Save me, unshackle me from this hell I cannot escape
Salvage what is left of this shell

                                                                                                   Sasha SAS