Carousel

long ago when I was young
I fell for love, but nevermore
oh my god
oh my god

but back when we were seventeen
and every touch was kerosene
oh my god
oh my god

gave my soul,
but never could see, you selling your heartbeats
held your ghost,
but never could breach, the walls of your belfry
I fell into your carousel
spinning in an empty well
with no way out...

to your altarpiece, then effigy
I came in on my knees
just calling your name...

and the mighty oaks that held our home
just never seemed to grow
and they're fallin away

oh I can see the morning coming, I can feel it, I can feel it....

so I'll be riding on your frozen horse
like a soldier leaving on his way to war
singin' "I won't die today"

and if I find you on the western front
I will, I will know I've won
I will know that all my love remains
all my love remains
all my love remains

Coldplay - Magic (Official video)

"Magic"

Call it magic

Call it true

Call it magic

When I'm with you

And I just got broken

Broken into two

Still I call it magic

When I'm next to you

And I don't, and I don't and I don't, and I don't

No, I don't,

It's true

I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you

I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't

No, I don't,

It's true

I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you

Ooooh ooh ooh

Call it magic

Cut me into two

And with all your magic

I disappear from view

And I can't get over

Can't get over you

Still I call it magic

You're such a precious jewel

And I don't, and I don't and I don't, and I don't

No, I don't,

It's true

I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you

I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't

No, I don't,

It's true

I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you

Wanna fall

I fall so far

I wanna fall

I fall so hard

And I call it magic

And I call it true

I call it magic

Ooooh ooh ooh

Ooooh ooh ooh

Ooooh ooh ooh

Ooooh ooh ooh

And if you were to ask me

After all that we've been through

Still believe in magic

Oh yes I do

Oh yes I do

Yes I do

Oh yes I do

Of Course I do

Stages..

In the most unusual way I seen the face of my Ex last night. It was a surprise to me but had to play cool. Things made some sense after that. A haunting I will forever have and at the same time its what I will never be able to let go. He reminds me to stay human, not the animal I use to be. Life has its way to mess with you, the lessons learned along the years. Still learning the hard way after 8 years.
I'm ok with that, have learned to live with it.

My current relationship is very complex, what is holding me back? Which stages are in the way of deciding; Doubts, lack of trust, need more time to figure things out. Patience, not my virtue, always ready to jump in, will not work this time. To and fro on whether I want to him to stay in my world. If anything, GROWTH, that is what he has taught me. I have grown so much these past 4 years, he has no idea.

Now is the time to break down everything he has to offer me, into "US".  Time will assist with the healing and decision that must be made soon. What will I choose????

Hard work, easier said than done. Will it be worth it in the end?

1124

The Smashing Pumpkins - Tonight, Tonight

Time is never time at all

You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth

And our lives are forever changed

We will never be the same

The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe

That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain

We're not the same, we're different tonight

Tonight, so bright

Tonight

And you know you're never sure

But you're sure you could be right

If you held yourself up to the light

And the embers never fade in your city by the lake

The place where you were born

Believe, believe in me, believe

In the resolute urgency of now

And if you believe there's not a chance tonight

Tonight, so bright

Tonight

We'll crucify the insincere tonight

We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight

We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight

The indescribable moments of your life tonight

The impossible is possible tonight

Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

Depeche Mode - Precious (Lyrics)

The Psycedelic Furs - Love My Way - Lyrics

Bush - The Only Way Out (Lyric Video)

Grateful

Appreciation was this weekends theme.

The look of your youngest child saying "Mom, you've done enough for us, we are happy right now". As I look at her, thinking it's never enough. Doing something right with her and my other two. To see the smiles on their faces, especially my son's.  Told by several strangers how behaved, polite and wonderful they are.

Every parents wish they are raising their kids to show respect for themselves as well as for others.  Watching my son help an older woman sit up and open the door for her without be asked.  My oldest daughter observing her brother and sister just to say, "he really loves his little sister even though he denies it mom". I smile, give her a hug and continue our walk downtown.  At the end they were just happy to be home and watch a movie. No fighting or complaining.

Its something to share with their dad; we are doing ok. 

Fading ...

Disconnected,  that's how it felt.  Finally have him in a place I've always wanted him to be and he might be too late. Need more time to figure this out.  Have my feelings grown to move on? I want to feel something when he holds my hand,  hugs,  kisses me. Will his actions prove his love and will it matter by that point?  Honesty is all I have to offer. I'm trying to get back to the love I had for him. Openness will help reach this goal, I have to keep trying. Will he keep reaching out to me? 

Another Chance?

Rehab

A broken relationship becomes fixable once you both begin to realize the past doesn't have to equal the future.

Fence

What am I doing? ! Why does he have such a spell on me? He could sweet talk me into anything and sometimes hate myself for it. My heart is all in for this to work but my head is telling me "No Way, not again". Only time could tell if he means what he says. I'm not patient and have to just live day by day as if he is out of my world for me to be able to think straight.

Should I go back to the start?

Coldplay - The Scientist: http://youtu.be/EdBym7kv2IM

Dealing with my scars

New Beginnings? ?

New beginnings,  that's what we agreed.  Should I trust my heart again or box it up. ..  We have been down this road before,  need to change our location to the beach where the sun will forever shine on us. New beginnings, that's what he says. ..Hesitate on any move I make but his smile and touch of his hand guide me in faster. Confused,  scared,  nervous, stomach crunching is how this feels. Is it real or a lie?  We always reach a middle then start all over again.  Should this be a new beginning or the end? ?